my father was just mean impatient selfish and judgemental,
so i didn't know him well except to avoid him
he threw me down a flight of stairs when I was 9 or 10
told me I'd always be a day late and a dollar short
never spoke a supporting word unless by slim chance I did something well
but then any kindness was quickly followed with rebuke
a list of improvements that could have been made
... until he reached 91 and got lonely and started calling
... letting me ask about his hometown early life and parents which had never been spoken about
I knew them, but my father never said anything
... but through that brief window, before losing his memories at 94,
I was able to ask my father about his life
... and discovered where I came from,
... and get a glimpse of my grandpa and greatgrandpa working for the santa fe
... and the hard life in dust bowl kansas
.. and my fathers' fear of polio
... his reason and life in wwII
... and what he felt when the war was suddenly over
... and his return to school
... accidental enrollment in a teacher's college
... because he didn't know better
... and his early career
... I avoided all discussion about family
... knowing it would hurt and enrage him
... yeah he probably felt guilt, but was powerless over himself,
same as all of us.