BP-died-last-night

5 9 2007
One of our cats died last night after a three month illness - she was so sweet to us - we named her BP for Big Pal and had her for a long time. Our high-water mark was five cats and now we're down to one - but BP was the glue that stuck everybody together and she will be missed.

6 13 07
Her kidneys failed and slowly she wasted away. She used to be fat but suddenly she lost weight and started sleeping in unusual places. She looked so uncomfortable and started going outside frequently.

The litter box was constantly filled with a foul smelling liquid – bless her heart she struggled so hard. It looked like she was going to go quickly but I started bringing her milk while I sat in the den chair. Then one night as I went to bed, I told her it was ok to go because honestly she looked so sick. Suddenly the next day she got better and her fur looked good. I began feeding her tuna fish from a can and she loved the water-oil that came out of the can. She was also eating a lot of the tuna but never gained weight.

The end came quick. She had been going out and laying on the back porch for hours at a time, day or night. She never did this when she was healthy. She always liked being indoors.

I noticed that she had stopped eating any tuna even though she still lapped up the liquid. She had been begging me for more liquid but I refused because it meant opening another can. I didn’t understand how desperate her condition had become and I feel so badly now.

Then she suddenly got skinnier as if it was possible. And two nights before she died she came over to my chair for pats and I could see her eyes were failing. It was so sad. I couldn’t tell her. I just patted her and told her what a beautiful place Extra had gone to two years before. She wasn’t consoled and began laying in yet different places – nowhere near her other spots. She must have felt terrible.

If I had a gun, I would have shot her. But I didn’t want to scare her more by going to a vet. I just wanted her to go, but mostly I wanted her to be ok.

The day before she died she lay outside all day. First under the trailer, and later when Holly and I went out and sat on the porch, she moved into an open dirt area and just laid there. She didn’t want to come in. Throughout the evening I knew she was outside. It got dark and she was still out there. She had not spent a night outside since the first few days she arrived at our house years ago.

I didn’t want to bother her if she needed to die, but later after midnight I walked out front and she was lying in the driveway. I called to her and she was awake with her head up but didn’t respond to me directly. I thought something had scared her in the side yard and that’s why she moved to the front under the light. I hope she wasn’t scared.

I called for her to come into the house but she didn’t move. I left the front door open and went back inside. A short while later I saw she had moved further down the driveway. And then a short time after that I saw her in the neighbors drive. She never strayed out of our yard in all the years we had her, and now she was seeking peace somewhere else.

With a heavy heart I left her alone and went back inside. I was crying and asked for guidance. I didn’t know what was right. After twenty minutes or so it came to me. BP was our family and there was no way my family member was going to die away from our home.

I went out to get her but she had disappeared. Finally I noticed that she was further up the neighbor’s drive and I walked over to get her. I picked her up and she was covered with dirt and so wasted away. I was carrying her flat across my folded arms and my body heaved in a sob and I cried out, oh BP.

At that moment she turned her head to look at me, although it was dark and I couldn’t see her eyes. We connected and I felt that she was again giving to me, and telling me that it was ok, just as she had done for everyone in the family. She was the glue that stuck us together in a lot of ways.

I carried her into the kitchen and laid her on the cool tile floor. A few minutes later she moved to another spot. I decided that I was going to take her to the vet in the morning and sat back at the computer. It was about 3 in the morning and I was figuring what time the vet would open when BP unsteadily walked past me towards the door wanting out.

She wanted out and I patted her but she sank down away from my hand. I guess everything was hurting inside her. I didn’t let her out and she moved just outside the office and laid on the tile floor. All that was visible was the back half of her skinny near-gone body.

A few minutes later she walked back into the office. She looked at me and it was BP. She was there. She had her faculties and she wanted to go out. At first I balked, but then I knew it was her decision. She had been finding peace outside for the last few months. She knew what was right for her and I opened the door.

I didn’t want her to wander into the weeds and lay out there dying for another two days, but I had to honor her request to be outside. She slowly eked through the open door and disappeared into the dark. I felt like it was a place of peace for her. Although it was uncomfortable living my life normally the next hour until bedtime and again the next morning, I honored BP’s request that she not be bothered.

Finally around four in the afternoon I started searching for her and quickly discovered her body barely five feet away from the door she last exited. It was a relief and it was sad all at one, but I was glad I let her out the last moments of her life and I was glad that she went no further away from her home. We loved her and we miss her.


Gene Haynes